An Idiot Can Be Loud Enough for Two People
by adirtysilver
Summary: A story about Saitou Shimaru meeting Loud Guy Sakamoto Tatsuma.


It was currently late at night, and Sakamoto was standing outside by the docks along with Mutsu. Sakamoto watched as the man who he was currently making a business deal with rolled a crate on a trolley towards him. "So this is what you want me to ship for you, Fujikawa-san?" he asked as the man came to a halt.

"It's Fujiwara," the man corrected him, almost a little timidly.

"Ahahaha, my bad, Fujikawa-san," Sakamoto replied, putting a hand behind his head as he grinned.

Before the man could try to correct Sakamoto again, Mutsu spoke up, "Right, Fujiwara-san, if you'll just give us the payment as well."

"O-of course." Fujiwara reached into a pocket before freezing up, staring in terror at something behind Sakamoto. After a few short seconds he started to move again, yanking his hand from his pocket and instead going to grab the sword at his side. He drew it quickly with a practiced motion, holding it before him defensively. "I should've known you would follow me here," he said, anger in his voice even though he still had a look of fear on his face. "Why couldn't you just stay at the barracks?"

Sakamoto was about to turn around to see who it was that was behind him that had caused such an effect on his would-be client, but then suddenly he didn't need to. A man with shockingly orange hair even more voluminous than his, dressed all in black and wielding twin blades dashed forward, halting a few feet away from Fujiwara. Saitou Shimaru remained silent as he maintained a combat-ready stance, staring at Fujiwara. Sakamoto was about to speak up and get between the two of them when Mutsu grabbed his arm and gave him a look that told him to just watch what was happening. It was then that Sakamoto noticed that the afro man was actually a member of the Shinsengumi, although his uniform was almost completely different from the others.

Fujiwara was the first one to launch an attack, striking out with a ferocity that seemed borne from desperation. Saitou easily countered and very quickly landed two fatal blows, one with each sword. Fujiwara fell to the ground, bleeding profusely and died almost immediately.

"Haha," Sakamoto laughed nervously. "If I may ask, why did you kill that man? Did he do something wrong?"

Saitou walked up to the crate Fujiwara had wanted to ship and removed the lid of it before reaching in and grabbing one of the many Justaways that were stuffed inside. He unscrewed the top, holding it out so that Sakamoto could look inside it. Sakamoto could make out what appeared to be a brick made of some sort of brown substance.

Mutsu also took a look at it and was the first to say something, "He was trying to trick us into shipping drugs."

"Really? Then I owe you my gratitude," Sakamoto said, returning his gaze to the silent man. "I'm Sakamoto and this is Mutsu. Thank you…?"

The other man didn't respond, instead casting his eyes about nervously. It seemed to Sakamoto he was in great discomfort and looking for some sort of an escape.

"Haha, the quiet type, eh? I'll just call you Shijima-san, then, if that's alright with you. Hey! Why don't I take you out for some drinks to show you my gratitude? You don't have anything else you have to do tonight, right Shijima-san? Mutsu here can take care of those drugs for you. You're a member of the Shinsengumi , right? Your outfit has a similar style to the captains' uniforms. Are you a captain then? Haha, well I got a chance to see how formidable you are. Now let me show you my favorite place to visit whenever I'm down here on Earth. You'll be my wingman. You see, there's this girl I'm in love with and…"

"Tatsuma," Mutsu said reproachfully before stopping herself. This man her boss had taken to calling Shijima didn't seem to mind the non-stop talking or the fact that he was being dragged off to go drinking. Besides, it wasn't as if the man was helpless. After she watched the two walk off towards that cabaret club Tatsuma never missed a chance to visit, she then turned to the task that had been given her.

* * *

"So Shijima-san, why don't you take that mask off your mouth? We need to figure out what we're going to do so I can win Oryou-chan's heart."

Saitou did as he was told, his normal serious expression on his face.

"Haha, why don't you smile? We're going to have fun, so loosen up!"

Saitou hesitated a few moments. Whenever he smiled, people seemed to want to leave him alone and right now he was enjoying Sakamoto's company. The man didn't seem to care that Saitou never said anything, and instead just kept talking. In fact, even though they had just met, Saitou wondered if he had already made a new friend. Not wanting to seem uncooperative, he ended up giving the biggest smile he could manage.

There were a few moments of silence which seemed especially out of place after Sakamoto had prevented any such moments of silence from happening. Saitou could not guess at what the other was thinking since sunglasses covered his eyes and the only thing giving away what he might be feeling was a slight raise of his eyebrows. For Sakamoto's part, the words that were crossing his mind included a lot of things, but smile wasn't one of them. It seemed more like the expression of someone who was royally pissed off and about to commit murder. The "smile" which was really just a baring of teeth didn't reach the wide open, bloodshot eyes at all. Sakamoto was so thrown off by this display that he actually couldn't figure out what to say at first.

And then the silence was disturbed with boisterous laughter, seeming even louder now due to the previous absence of noise. "Ahahahahaha, you sure are a funny guy, Shijima-san!" Sakamoto clapped a hand on Saitou's back. "You'll be my stoic foil when we go in there: just don't say a word and keep a straight face. We'll be the perfect team!"

At this, Saitou allowed his face to relax into a neutral expression, feeling both relieved and happy. Upon entering the establishment, Sakamoto looked about. It was evident when he found what he was looking for: he sprang forward and dove in midair, arms thrown open for a hug as he shouted, "Oryou-chan, will you marry me?"

Saitou wasn't even given a chance to act before the young woman Sakamoto was aiming for kicked him squarely in the balls, a strained smile on her face as she replied, "No thank you."

Sakamoto immediately curled up in the fetal position, hands going to his poor, crushed balls. Saitou wasn't sure what to do now since the whole wingman thing didn't seem to have panned out at all, and he had just been rather useless. He was about to go off in search of the restroom when Sakamoto got back to his feet and spoke up, "Ahahaha, that was my bad. I just got too excited to stick with the plan. That wasn't the point of this, either. Come on, let's sit down and have some drinks and just party now that our work is done!"

Saitou found himself being pulled down into a seat at the table, to the right of Sakamoto. A young woman with brown hair pulled up in a ponytail and wearing a pink kimono brought a bottle of sake to them, a smile on her face. He recognized her almost immediately: Shimura Tae, a person that his commander was always getting in trouble over.

"Sakamoto-san, I thought I told you to stop bothering Oryou about that," Tae said, her tone light and pleasant as she spoke. Then there was a change as an intimidating look replaced her smile. "Or do you not want the ability to have kids?" To emphasize her threat, she pounded her fist into her palm a few times, a deadly glare in her eyes.

"Ahaha, my bad, my bad," Sakamoto replied sheepishly.

"Don't 'ahaha' me. You do this every time you come to visit. And who is this you brought with you?" Tae switched her focus over to Saitou. "Another member of the Shinsengumi? Do all of you waste our tax money on things like this? I suppose it only makes sense when your commander is the worst offender."

"Ahaha, he is a member of the Shinsengumi, but I'm treating him to drinks since he helped me out, Otae-san!" Sakamoto said as he watched her pour them their drinks. "Shijima-san here is quite a funny guy!" He grabbed a drink and once Saitou had followed suit, he raised his cup for a toast. "To new friends!"

With their drinks downed, Tae poured them both another. This time Sakamoto poured one for her as well.

After taking a sip from her cup, Tae spoke, "You are a member of the Shinsengumi, but your uniform is different from any of the ones I've seen. Why's that?"

There was a moment of silence during which Saitou set down his cup and seemed about to stand up. "Ah, he is in charge of internal affairs," Sakamoto supplied before things could get too awkward.

Saitou was surprised by this. Apparently Sakamoto was sharper than he'd given him credit for as he was sure the merchant hadn't heard of him previously and had just deduced what sort of job Saitou had based on what he had observed so far. Either that or he had a lucky guess.

Tae interrupted his thoughts, "Well then, Shijima-san, you must be well aware of what your commander does. And yet he remains unpunished."

"Haha, now, now, Otae-san. Leave him alone, he's my guest! Here, let me pour you another one." Sakamoto immediately refilled Saitou's emptied cup.

As the night went on, Saitou attempted to keep pace with Sakamoto who kept encouraging him to drink. Sakamoto seemed to somehow be getting louder and louder, and Saitou felt a sort of awe towards him. While he remained silent even as he got more and more drunk, Sakamoto was more than loud enough for the both of them. Sakamoto also threw his arm around him and started calling him just "Shijima." Saitou could almost vicariously feel what it was like to be the life of the party due to his close proximity. For perhaps the first time in his life, Saitou was able to have a conversation with someone as Sakamoto was able to talk endlessly by himself and occasionally ask questions that Saitou could either easily answer nonverbally or were rhetorical.

Even as Sakamoto laughed loudly right next to his ear, Saitou noticed himself drifting in and out of consciousness, taking short naps every so often. The first time Saitou found himself awaking, Sakamoto commented, "So you can make a sound, hahahaha!" Saitou felt the corners of his mouth creep up a little at that and Sakamoto's enjoyment and boisterousness seemed to increase.

After Saitou nodded off for the fifth time, Sakamoto winded down, finishing the drink he was on and saying he was done for the night. "I need ta get ya a cab home, Shijima! Ahahahahahaha!"

As Sakamoto attempted to leave, Saitou offered him support lest the merchant end up on the ground since he seemed to be having some trouble with walking in a straight line or with any semblance of sobriety.

"You hadda good time, right Shijima?" Sakamoto slurred, slumping over Saitou. "I jus' wanna thank you 'gain fer helpin' me…" Trailing off, he put a hand over his mouth, looking a little green for a moment. "Maybe I drank a lil too much. Ahahaha!"

Saitou felt a little nervous with Sakamoto's head resting on his shoulder, afraid he might throw up at any second. His fears were soon dispelled as Sakamoto hailed a cab. Once Sakamoto returned to standing independently instead of draping himself over Saitou, Saitou got in the cab, falling back asleep as soon as he sat down.

"Take m'friend here back t'the Shinsengumi b'rracks, please," Sakamoto instructed the driver, handing over a suitable amount of money. As soon as the money left his hands, Sakamoto drunkenly stumbled backwards, away from the car towards a nearby alley where he threw up, placing a hand on the wall for support.

* * *

The phone in the Yorozuya office rang, and Gintoki got up to answer it. "Yorozuya Gin-chan here, at your service," he said once he picked up.

"_Shiroyasha-dono_, I have a question for you."

Gintoki made a face both at the fact it was just Hijikata as well as how he had been addressed. "Whaddya want, _Oogushi-kun_?"

Hijikata made an annoyed sound before replying, "You fought with Sakamoto Tatsuma, right?"

Gintoki was caught off guard by the question, but made his voice sound bored as he answered, "Yeah, why do you ask?"

"Was he really as loud as the stories say? And does he have the same awful perm you do?"

"Hey! That was completely uncalled for! Aren't you trying to ask something of me? Yes, he has the same _amazing _perm I do, and he is _louder _than the stories say. Why are you suddenly concerned about an idiot like him?"

"Hey! Kintoki! Are you talking about me? Ahahaha."

The voice carried through the phone, and this time it was Hijikata's turn to be caught off guard. "Is he there right now?"

"Maybe. What's it to you?"

Hijikata let out a sigh. "A squad captain gave me a written report about something he did last night and also included why he came back to the barracks so late at night, completely drunk. Apparently he went drinking with a very loud, permy-headed person named Sakamoto. I was just wondering if he happened to be _the_ Sakamoto Tatsuma. And I wanna know if this is something I should be worried about."

"Trust me, you don't have to worry about him: he's a (mostly) harmless idiot. His head may be empty and he may be super annoying but-"

"Hey! Kintoki! You're talking about me, right? You're being kind of mean. Ahahaha!"

"See, he still gets my name wrong after all these years, and I've told him a hundred times. Here, I'll let you talk to him yourself." Gintoki handed the phone to Sakamoto.

"Hello?" Sakamoto greeted.

"Sakamoto Tatsuma, what are your goals?"

"To marry Oryou-chan! Last night might not've gone so well, but-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. But what are you actually doing?"

There was a short pause. "I'm just a space merchant trying to improve relations between humans and the Amanto."

Hijikata pondered Sakamoto's answer. It seemed like he was telling the truth, and he did sound like a harmless idiot. Getting an idea, Hijikata asked, "Hey, do you know any good stories about Gintoki?"

"Hahahaha! Yep! There was this one time we were drinking after a victory, and Gintoki got so drunk he-" Sakamoto was cut short and Hijikata heard the thud of a body hitting the ground.

"What the hell are you telling him about, Tatsuma?" Hijikata heard some more movement before Gintoki's voice came through clear again, "Sneaky bastard. Why are you trying to get blackmail from him? You got what you needed to know. Goodbye."

"Wait! I was just wanting to make sure he was trustworthy." Hijikata tried to think of something else to say when he heard a third voice in the background.

"Gintoki! Sakamoto! Together again! With how much we've been meeting lately, we should really start making plans…"

"Zura! Same as always, ahahahaha!"

"Hey, you don't need to come here or anything, right? Bye." Gintoki hung up before Hijikata could respond.

The vice-chief just stared blankly for a few minutes, feeling pissed off. By the time he got there, they'd probably be gone. Despite Katsura showing up, he couldn't be motivated enough to try to hunt them down. Besides, Saitou seemed to be a little different after his encounter with Sakamoto, in a good way. Letting out a sigh, Hijikata returned to his paperwork.


End file.
